Changing yourself and the way you think.

I have touched on this subject a little bit already, but a discussion I had this morning with my co-pilot, Matthew, has inspired me to elaborate on the subject.  Beyond experiencing and being present, I really hope that I get time for reflection and self-exploration. In all honesty, I really have been practicing a lot of self-reflection in the last few months, specifically on the person I want to be: mentally, physically, spiritually. I've been thinking about the costumes I wear, the way I speak,  the way I carry myself, etc. I've come to realize that the true, authentic person inside of me really changes every single day, but I only let small glimpses of that person reach the surface.  Out of my own fear, I have constructed a mask, and I only allow a few cracks to let the light in me shine through. And when this inner light does shine through, I feel vulnerable and I feel shameful. I think to myself, "This is not how I have been conditioned to act and think." Or I tell myself, "People are going to think I have gone nuts if I give up the act and take off the mask and actually embrace who I want to be."  For me, I hope this trip will serve as a cocoon.  The caterpillar has eaten all of my familiar surroundings, and it is time to hide away in a cocoon and transform; I want to allow my beautiful colors to shine. I want to bloom without shame or fear of being cast away. This trip is my cocoon. It is five months to escape the expectations or suppression (which is probably more reinforced by myself than it is by any of the people around me). Although I am scared, I have a feeling that when I bloom, my colors will be appreciated more than ridiculed.

However, Matthew has expressed a concern, specifically about my blogging: sharing my thoughts and ideas and inviting people into the cocoon.  He fears it will taint the potential to let our spirits break free to their fullest ability.  And I suppose in a lot of ways I do agree, but for some reason blogging feels really right.  It feels really right to let people in. Whether my readers understand and have compassion, or if they think I have gone nuts and am swimming in the deep end, it still feels right to expose my true self. It feels right to let them see this turmoil, to let them read these words. I can't confidently say I am blogging merely for myself; I may possibly be craving attention... or maybe its for validation.. or maybe I just want to expose my every inner workings and gears as a method to eliminate the shame that has created the mask I wear over my insides.  Regardless, I want to dust off those gears and let them GLITTER AND SHINE.  I yearn to be a real human, and I yearn to be surrounded by real people; vulnerable, scared, but strong humans.. And if I hope to be surrounded by real people, I must also push myself to be authentic and vulnerable and scared. So much like my workouts at the gym, this process makes me feel weak in the present moment, but it's absolutely worth the pain, because I know it will make me stronger in the future. 

So welcome on board! Whether it's because you are reading this to mock me, or to act as a cheerleader, or if you need a hand to hold as we all begin our own personal journeys and tear down these walls that we have self-built to hide ourselves from the outside world.  I come in peace and compassion, (maybe a bit on the defense during moments of insecurity), but I have decided it's time to cocoon, and then SHED SHED SHED.